


My Monster

by New_day



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Autobiography, Canon Compliant, Family Loss, M/M, Murder Husbands, POV First Person, POV Hannibal Lecter, Post-Episode: s03e13 The Wrath of the Lamb, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 13:12:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16517120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/New_day/pseuds/New_day
Summary: Being somebody's monster means you have to take care of them and protect them. But this is not an easy task, as Hannibal learned early in life.





	My Monster

When I was a boy, my sister was the only one who knew.

She was very young, but she was smart, the smartest of us all.

I learned so much from her.

She used to smile at me, showing the gaps between her teeth, her blue eyes shining brightly.

She cuddled up to me, taking my hand in hers, nuzzling her head against my side.

Then she said it, not as an insult, but affectionately, like an endearment.

“You are not like us, you are a monster,” she said, “But that's alright. Because you are mine. You are my monster.”

I always chuckled when she said this, putting her words down to the overactive imagination she had, like many children do.

We both grew up with fairy tales about witches eating children, wolves devouring grandmothers, fairies cursing infants.

No wonder, I thought, that she imagined her big brother to be something from a fairy tale, a monster, dangerous, but never a danger to her, because I was her monster and would protect her.

And so that's what I told her.

“That's right,” I said, “I'm your monster. Because of me, you don't have to be afraid of the other monsters. I will chase them away and take care of you and protect you, always.”

And then I tickled her, from head to foot, and she giggled until she was out of breath.

***

However, there was a part of me that wondered, wondered how she could know. 

This part knew she was right.

How does she know, I wondered.

I've always tried to be good.

I've tried so hard, and I've never hurt a soul, not a single human being, not even an animal.

I've tried so hard, and I've been good, for her.

How can she know?

***

I was still young when I found out that what I had told her wasn't true.

I wasn't always able to chase the monsters away, to take care of her and protect her.

Some would argue that for me, the difference between the past and the future came from my sister's death.

While others would call that lazy psychiatry.

Be that as it may, there was another thing I found out.

I found out that my sister was right, as a part of me had always known.

I was a monster.

A small, weak monster in the making, much too weak to protect what was dearest to me, but a monster nonetheless.

***

It took me a while to find beauty again, but finally, I was able to see.

I saw the beauty that encompasses everything around us, both created by nature and by man.

I traveled the world and began to create my own unique kind of beauty.

What others might call horror was beautiful to me.

Where others saw just cruelty and death, I saw art and creation.

I reveled in this beauty, but sometimes I felt bitter because I had no one to share it with me.

***

I knew he was the one, I knew it from the start.

I knew he was able to see beauty where I saw it.

But he refused to see and rejected me.

He betrayed me, and I tried to cut him out of my heart.

But I couldn't do that without killing him or myself.

When I realized that I couldn't end his life, I gave up my own.

For years, I merely existed, like an animal in a cage, waiting for him to find me.

I knew he would come, and eventually, he did.

***

He had a plan and asked me to help him.

He told me he needed me and said “Please,” with raised eyebrows and a boyish grin.

I smiled at his words, because finally, I understood, and I knew what I had to do.

I was a monster, but that was alright, because I was his.

I was his monster, and I had to take care of him and protect him, always.

So that's what I did.

***

I thought I would die, but I'm still here.

Living a new life that often feels like a dream.

He is with me, because eventually, he was willing to see.

We revel in the beauty we create together, and sometimes he calls me his monster.

I chuckle, and he cuddles up to me, taking my hand in his, nuzzling his head against my side.

“We are both monsters,” he says, “And that's why we have to take care of each other and protect each other, always.”

When he is in a playful mood, he tickles me, from head to foot, as if I were a child.

And though I'm far from that, but an old man and a killer, I can't help but giggle until I'm out of breath.


End file.
